One of these days I will write about eight things I love. But not today. Today I am as bitter as always. I hope it comes through in the fifth rendition of this column. 

1. Golf

I do not believe anyone actually enjoys this “sport.” How could you? Thwacking an itty bitty ball far distances hardly seems taxing on the body. More importantly, can we talk about how ugly the greens are? Where is the flavor? Where is the biodiversity? Where is the common sense to put down a club and pick up a Vogue magazine? Can we get a grip on golf fashion? I’m asking so many questions because I do not have answers for this horrible activity. 

2. Hershey’s Chocolate

There are so many better options. Cadbury has expanded to the U.S. and yet we are still stuck on unfulfilling chocolate. I think the only people this satisfies are psychopaths and unknowing children. 

3. The Squelch of Shoes After It Snows

Like any self-proclaimed romantic, I believe snow is charming. The wet residue it leaves, however, is not. I can not blame anyone in particular for the horrifying noise that results from precipitation. Maybe  it could be our last president. Maybe Global Warming. I’ll find someone eventually. 

4. When Harry Met Sally

I am a Rom-Com fan. A fanatic even. What I am not a supporter of is garbage. There is a little bit of plot, but it is mostly just Meg Ryan’s horrible hair and Harry’s shallow analysis of opposite gendered relationships. If you can not have friendships without them turning romantic, you are not mature enough to have close friendships.

5. Gatorade

Drinking this on an empty stomach is like the Birds and Bees conversation from Middle School. Uncomfortable, slightly nauseating, and horribly delivered. 

6. The “Pick Me” Logic

Young girls are forced into one stereotype after another, yet we created this idea of a teenage girl living to please others. I can understand the dislike towards basic clothing, but when we attack someone’s entire personality simply because it does not meet the lackluster complexity we hold in our minds, the person we are criticizing is not the bad person. We are. 

7. Carpets in Houses

I feel bad for the pets who have to deal with owners of houses like this. If I were a canine, I would run away. I apologize for the morbidity of this next sentence, but picture the pee stains left on the floor that are haphazardly cleaned by ineffective disinfectants. What a revolting, stench-holding nuisance. 

8. Peppermint Mochas

In being someone who has been pepper sprayed, I can safely say that this has the same effect. Being so entirely blindsided by overhyped sugar is something I will never condone. More specifically, being attacked by the mint syrup hurts my immune system. I don’t know how or why. It just does. The moldy cherry on top is that I have a friend who built a budding relationship off of this disastrous dumpster fire. Shockingly, that relationship is going quite well.