Welcome back to another Hateful Eight, when real therapy just isn’t enough. 

1. YouTube Premium’s Update

YouTube premium is this new subscribable service on YouTube that lets you do things like skip ads and download videos to watch offline. But, for those who aren’t willing to pay for its services it’s also limited to them. I can’t use sound effects! My womp womps, my beats for my raps, my dress to impress sound effects! They’ve all been stolen from me unless both me and the other person has paid for youtube premium. It’s so ridiculous and just plain annoying.

2. Math Word Problems

For one, I suck at math to begin with, but two, it makes no sense. Like in word problems and Jonny and all of his damn apples follow you from basic equations to algebra and not once do any of his business proposals seem ethical. In one of our equations, Johnny was starting a pet-sitting company in his garage. The problem was to find the maximum number of cages he could fit in it. What in the animal abuse?! I like the basics, but eventually the concepts become too hard to attribute to any personal stories and our curriculum trying to place them in our writing is so entirely useless.

3. My Auto-Correct Dependency

I recently wrote an essay and I spelt director ‘disonrector’ with absolutely no second thought. Now am I partially glad for the creation of auto-correct? Yes. It has saved me on essays, but it’s also rotted my brain! I have a pen-pal and we write to each other on typewriters, folding up our papers in Jane Austen movie style, and I swear every other word is miswritten, my brain rattled with the expectation that auto-correct will simply fix my easily-ignored mistakes. Auto-correct is like an ex, built up my expectations to a crappy version and now I can never function on my own.

4. Online Money

This is some insane chronically online crap. Bitcoin is a type of online currency and it uses a ‘computational solution of mathematical problems’ to create new units of currency. And still don’t know what it is, don’t worry cause I can’t figure it out either. So, I don’t care Nathan, that you bought a thousand dollars worth of bitcoin and plan on getting $100,000 of return or whatever. Like genuinely, from the bottom of heart… I DON’T CARE. Stop acting all cool because you own an NFT. It’s a photo of a brick. And don’t even get me started on Hawk Tuah girl getting arrested for a bitcoin scam?? These gosh darn kids. Back in my day we played Fireboy and Watergirl on our first generation Firefox.

5. Really Small Animals

The amount of horror stories I’ve heard of tiny dogs and cats, being snatched away in the arms of a bird, horse, or even just a bigger version of the same animal could scare anyone out of wanting their own. It’s also losing such a precious and adorable animal that detours me so extremely. In the TV show Kimmy Schmit there is a dog that the stereotypical rich women owns that gets doggy massages and the dog has been genetically engineered to not poop and I swear every single mini dog has some crazy genetic engineering that makes you a little bit unsettling. Sometimes I’ll scroll onto adorable teacup poodles that Instagram influencers put in strollers or hide in their purses, but something about small and adorable things brings out my aggression and fear, like a fuel to the childhood trauma fire.

6. Dry Weather

Fall in Colorado can beat most things, the leaves crunching from the wooden heel of one’s boots, the yellow orange and red trees, the perfect sweater weather, it’s like a fairy tale. But, what they don’t tell you is that the air is like your lungs are taking a sharp beating and the moisture being sucked right out of your lips. The dry weather is UN-BEAR-ABLE. For most of my life I have lived an hour north of LA, in Palmdale. An actual dessert. I get the elevation is a little more intense than California’s but come on! Somehow the week of fall in Colorado is dryer than that dessert! 

7. One Bathroom Households

Just, to make sure I’m clear, someone built a house thinking ‘Wow, I can imagine a big family living here. It’s around Creek, a great school, so close to coffee shops and Denver,’ and then proceed to decide that there is only going to be one sink and one shower leading to three to four kids holding in their bladder the rest of the night. Ahh- yes, I see. 

8. Medication Crazy Dreams

Around a month ago, I switched from Prozac to Zoloft, two common anti-depressents. And I have very few complaints… except I have a lot. Mostly, I have wild dreams now. It’s a pretty common symptom, especially when changing medication, but mine feel a little… different. A few days ago, I had one where I shaved my head and took off my braces to ‘switch identities’ or something. The night before that, I had a dream where I woke up and had a primal urge to run around on the ground on all fours. Suddenly I had turned into a pregnant wolf and I got incredibly stressed that my babies would be human. And, the night before that I thought that Creek was connected to the Denver International Airport (DIA) underground railroad system. Then everyday I wake up convinced that they’re real. I don’t know if I hate them per se, but I can’t like them.