This new version of The Hateful Eight is a continuation of former USJ member Alex Gribb’s “The Hateful Eight.”

Many people hate things, sadly I only have the ability to dislike things.“Hate is a terrible, evil, ugly word, so you need to use your brain and your intelligence, and find a better word to describe that kind of feeling.” Well, at least Bitsy, my grandma, always says that. So I can’t really hate anything. That’s why I mostly show my ability to love things. But I can’t do it anymore. So, welcome to the first Hateful Eight of the season.

1. Golden Retrievers 

I don’t dislike dogs as a whole, but golden retrievers’ shedding capabilities make me question it on occasion. They cover entire houses in disgusting white hairs. Try wearing a black shirt once and a while as a golden owner, everyone will think that you did a miserable bleaching job on your shirt.

2. Underwhelming Campfire Stories 

I don’t need to hear how once at your uncle’s house you dropped a plate and blamed it on a ghost. I want to hear the nasty, disgusting stories that make you curl your toes and unable to get up until the morning. But you’re acting like the bear that you saw off your five star resort balcony was just so scary, is just sad.

3. “Modern Houses” 

What are modern houses? Modern houses are those black and white hell holes that millennials call home. It’s one of the only horror stories I will accept at the campfire. Grey carpet, greig walls, and the worst of them all: white brick. When I went up to Seattle, I would walk around luscious green woods, but in the middle of the green was a black and white house with metal trimming. I fell to the soft dirt ground wishing it would suck me and the disgusting house into the lava under the earth.

4. Overly Negative Reviews

I know it’s ironic. But I hate news sources that don’t make positive reviews. I want to see reviews that allow groups of people to come together and get nerdy over a book. Negative things always get more clicks, and it sucks when YouTube channels just reflect on how bad something is rather than how it changed some lives. There isn’t supposed to be a deeper meaning to shows made for teens, it’s made for teens.

5. Lil Nas X

The music video he made for “MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)” is actually some of the worst editing I have ever seen. I could do the same thing if I strapped my phone to the ceiling and pulled up CapCut. The only time I even slightly rethought my hatred was when he dressed up as a used tampon for halloween. He gets one pass.

6. Pig Latin

Pig Latin is something you should’ve been left in third grade with the kids that think they’re being sneaky talking about their crushes. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING! And it’s not even that important, it’s usually just saying “Hi” and “How are you?” because people never put in the time to seriously learn. And if you’re so good at pig latin then, Oticenay atthay everyoneyay inyay ouryay ifelay ingescray ethay omentmay ouyay openyay ouryay outhmay, osay oday usyay allyay ayay avorfay andyay othay ueglay ityay utshay osay ityay othbay istersblay andyay impairsyay ouryay abilityyay otay eakspay ethay ostmay einoushay ordsway atthay anmay ashay everyay eatedcray.

7. When blue dye fades into green

What is even the point of paying hundreds to get your hair dyed a beautiful vibrant blue if it only lasts the first day. Unless you have the money and time to get your hair recolored every two weeks, then you’re just going to have to deal with green or teal hair until you decide to dye it a different color. 

8. People who dress casual to school dances

I get it if you can’t afford a new outfit, and even if you can’t throw together anything with a collar, just have fun. But if you are going to come to homecoming in sweatpants, a hoodie, and your revolting Yeezy slides, don’t be surprised if your date punches you square in the noggin. She’s looking all nice and cute, and you’re behind the cookie counter, hoodie up, scrolling on your phone! I wish you had some class, for goodness’ sake.