I hope everyone had a wonderful week that wasn’t full of homework from the curriculum that teachers try to turn in, though that’s probably untrue. I probably cried angry tears at least four times this week because of the current theme of this week’s Hateful Eight. But with that, I think that some people at our school need an etiquette lesson.
1. Crocs
I mean, really. It seems as though you have gotten used to the disgusting smell of your own feet. People have told me, “IV, it’s a water shoe, you have no right to judge people wearing them in water.” And with that I say, it’s my job to judge people. A pair of cream colored Crocs from Dick’s Sporting Goods is $49.99. FIFTY DOLLARS FOR FOOT SHAPED DRIED SLIME.
2. Crocs with socks
You cannot defend yourself with this one. You can’t use them for their original purpose, a water shoe, and if you do I’d be more disgusted by the sound of your wet sock slipping around in your shoe. If you’re ashamed of your bare feet, why are you wearing almost clear shoes? In an attempt to cover up your feet, I end up seeing the dirty underside of your socks. Or even worse, seeing your toes sticking out from the holes in them.
3. Crocs in the winter
Colorado boys already do psychotic things during the winter. I have seen guys jump into frozen lakes and ski almost nude, but everyone can tell these guys are suffering in silent torture wearing holey shoes. You just know they are shivering so hard, but holding back for the “swag” that comes with these pieces of plastic that happen to trigger my trichophobia.
4. Crocs with jeans
I mean, truly, jeans are the most disgusting pairing of clothing I’ve ever seen, and it isn’t even because of the aesthetically displeasing image of it. Jeans are already one of the worst textures anyone can wear on their bodies. Crocs, on the other hand, create rope burns on my ankles and joints, making it hard to walk normally in any other shoe. With the mix of these overfilling my senses, how does one even walk without a limp in their step?
5. Crocs at public restaurants
Fine, maybe I’ll allow you to wear these foam bricks to an Applebees. But, I have gone to nice restaurants, ones with DRESS CODES, and they would explicitly say no Crocs. That means that some teen wore a pair of Crocs to Pappadeaux, which should be considered a violent crime.
6. Crocs during workouts
Crocs do not mold to your feet. This was proven, by the way, that Crocs bounce a total of three times when thrown off the top of the library stairs. They survived without even a dent, because as I have to reiterate once again, you are just wearing a block of hard plastic on your feet. And when you are going to do those lunges, what do you expect to happen? This piece of uncomfortably solid plastic was to suddenly become super grippy and also flexible enough to allow you to lean down on your toes? Just admit that the micro plastics your feet have endured are getting to your brain already.
7. Crocs in bathrooms
Middle school was terrible, but I am convinced I would’ve dropped out before ever making it to highschool if I had to wear Crocs in the restroom. The bathrooms are already covered in substances that I would rather not know could be smudged indoors, and if I wore them, I’d have to constantly have the holes in my shoes leaking a mix of water and piss onto my feet.
8. Crocs at formal events
This Hateful Eight is being written before homecoming, but if I see single person wear a pair of Crocs to a dance such as this, I will personally make sure the floor is encrusted in wax so that people in normal shoes can stand straight up while you are forced to slip and slide like you’re at a theme park. Then you’ll finally have a scrape of understanding on how your feces and sweat covered plastic bricks aren’t appealing to people with a speck of common sense.
