“What do you mean he’s not in school? Are you sure you spelled his name right? It’s spelled J-O-N-A-T-H-A-N not J-O-H-N-A-T-H-A-N.”

“Yeah, he’s not registered into the system.” 

“May I speak with Mrs. Cole, his guidance counselor?”

It was the day that turned my life around. 

I rode the bus just like any typical student. I went to school like any other kid, except I didn’t go to any of my classes. Yeah, I know, kind of defeats the purpose. I didn’t have a schedule that I had to follow. Actually, I did. I stayed in the IC Cafe from periods 1-4. Depending on the day it varied from sleeping to watching youtube videos that could be somewhat amusing. 

Every Wednesday, deans held a meeting in IC Cafe during the second or third period. On those days, I stayed in the library at the far end from the entrance with the lookout of the Cherry Creek State Park. I didn’t go to the library more than I had to because in IC Cafe I could munch on snacks that I may have brought and it gave me more personal space to sleep. It’s what any student dreams of: a work-free schedule.

But every day that went by, I felt more guilty. It was weird to not touch a single piece of work to then come home and have nothing to do. One of my realizations is that it’s never fun to have all play and no work. 

A whole week went by. I knew that I needed to do something, I knew that I needed to go back into class. At the same time, the other side of my brain told me that it wasn’t going to be worth it. The devil’s side told me that there was going to be so much make-up work and I would have to talk to teachers- and not to mention my terrible grades. I wasn’t willing to make sacrifices which makes me come to my next realization. 

Sacrificing a couple of weeks just so that I could get caught up and graduate with all the other students is what I should have done. Now, there is nothing I can do about it. It happened already, I need to move on and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Jae, my older brother, was a straight-A student taking all the possible AP classes available. He was also a prodigy when it came to sports. It’s hard for him to be bad at anything. My younger brother, David, wasn’t any different. He is just as smart as Jae and he has so much potential. Me living up to those expectations put such a strain on my mentality. In an Asian household, filial piety is pretty prevalent. I lost my family’s reverence when David was doing better than me.

I have another “brother” named Michael. We’re pretty much brothers since our parents were friends the moment Michael and I were able to walk. We lived across the street from each other and hung out every chance we could. But ever since my middle school graduation I moved to a different high school. Same district, different school. Michael and I started growing distant. Sure we texted each other from time to time but it was never a full conversation. Our moms met from time to time and my mom would always bring back the news of what Michael has been up to academically. Every time a meeting had occurred it felt like it was just something that was always out of my grasp. I knew I had potential because at school I excelled in other areas compared to the average. Yet it wasn’t enough, not even for myself. 

The school wasn’t the only place I had struggled to cope with. My mind faltered as to whether this place that I go to every day after school is a place I could call my home. I wanted to live the life that everyone else got to live. I wanted to be able to hang out with my friends after school. I wanted to be able to do my homework with fewer restrictions. I wanted to do things my way. All these ‘perfection-like’ standards my parents held me to weren’t helping me. 

Isolation became my friend. Instead of keeping up with my friends I liked it more when I was by myself. Whether it was playing games, listening to music, eating, anything. During those days of isolation, I became more open to myself. It sounds weird, I know. During all this time, I wasn’t given an opportunity to learn about myself and catch-up with myself, but through the aid of my parents, I was able to dig my way out of the tunnel. 

“Why is it that you’re not registered in the system? Is there something you’re not telling us? Do you want to tell us what’s happening at school?”

“I don’t want to be here,” I wept. “I never asked to go to a different school. I was happy with my friends. We came here for a higher level of education but it doesn’t really matter, a school is a school. In the end, we are all going to college.” 

Everything was great. I attended Fox Ridge Middle School, which feeds into Cherokee Trail High School, and I had just gotten close with a group of friends. We hung out all the time and we had our own group name that even some teachers acknowledged us by the AM. Asian Mafia. Everything was great until the day my dad told me I was transferring schools to Cherry Creek High School. 

“I came for your own good so that you could show colleges that you can excel in a school with challenging obstacles and beat these competitions,” my mother said to me. “Do what you have to do. Grades and SAT. How am I going to face Michael’s parents if you drop out of school because it was too hard? I heard he’s going to Princeton University and he even took IB classes.” 

“You always talk about Michael like he’s your son,” I said back to them. “I don’t want to be compared. If you looked at me the same way that you did with Michael, for even just one second, you’d be the parent bragging.” 

“I’m not comparing you. I’m just informing you that this is embarrassing. You were doing so well in elementary school and middle school. What happened?”

“You’re not comparing me? Forget it. I’m done. I don’t want to be in this household. I’m 18 now. I can do whatever I want. I’m leaving.” 

“Where are you going to go, where are you going to sleep, how are you going to eat?” 

“I’ll figure it all out by myself don’t worry about me. Just keep doing what you’ve always been doing.” 

“Young man, the moment you step out those doors it’s the same thing as killing your mother and forget about considering this household as your family.” 

“Like I haven’t been killed yet? Are my feelings just completely irrelevant? You’ve never asked me how my day went. Ever. You hurry me and make me finish homework so that you can start on your SAT practice tests. Always telling me how well Michael is doing.” 

My mother called me back inside. My family and I came to a compromise. Well, it was more like a one-sided deal. Nothing really changed in terms of how they viewed and wanted me to turn out. The one that changed was me. At the time I just told myself, “hey it’s just one last small push. It’s a small push that is going to last another year, and of course, it’s not going to be easy because it’s the last hoorah and you’re a year behind everyone.” But I had already decided, I was going to change my habits. 

My parents allowed me to go to the library every other day. Every time I went, I rented out an autobiography, non-fiction, or anything that I could read during my own time. The main purpose for me to read such books was so I could learn from those who also come from dark times and how they made sure to get back up and take things to step by step. Reading became an everyday thing, in the morning, in the evening, and before I slept. 

Everyone at some point in their life comes across a mental block, but as humans, we are given the ability to overcome it. I’m glad I was able to learn such a vital lesson in life. I made a promise then that I was doing this for myself, no one else. If reaching my parent’s expectations are too high, just reach your own and every time you reach your expectations make it higher. Make sure it’s attainable. No matter how easy or attainable this goal might be, every achievement hits differently. So along this journey, bring an ally. An ally that doesn’t seduce you back into the old feeble path. 

I never should have stopped believing in myself. If I stopped believing in myself, then who would believe in me? No one is going to do it for me. “You have to trust in something whether it is karma, gut, destiny because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path,” Steve Jobs once said. And it’s true- all I needed was some guidance.

I wish I knew that my grades don’t define who I was. Allow me to elaborate. I wish I understood the concept that my grades didn’t make me become a doctor, lawyer, CEO. All I needed to do was be myself and understand myself. In the end, grades don’t mean anything. You can have bad grades but that doesn’t make you a bad person. What matters is knowing who you are yourself and what you want to do and do what you love. I’m not telling you to drop out of school and go do whatever you want without any plans in mind. Grades don’t guarantee a job at Google or Facebook, sure it has a higher probability of being beneficial, but if you are confident in your own work and you know that this is what you want to do, then research about it. Rather than researching possible colleges, try looking for a trade school. You have to taste every chip before you decide which chip is your favorite. Same with your career. Try it with your heart’s content and make sure to have no regrets at the end. Doing what you love creates happiness. That’s the end goal for everyone, isn’t it?

The thing that I regret the most is that I wasted time thinking that people would care for me, thinking that the world would pause just so that I could get back in the game. I know I keep talking about how things have to come from our independent selves but sometimes guidance comes from others. It was stupid for me to sit down and complain. Like logically as I look back at it now, it didn’t make any sense for me to just complain. I didn’t necessarily make the full attempt to change the outcome of my future. My desire to become a better person was parched. Jae always told me you don’t dress to impress people that you don’t even know, you dress to show others how you want to be seen. What he means by that is, do things for your own well-being is what it means to be successful. It’s a given that life is tough, it’s not going to give you freebies whenever you want. No matter how wealthy you maybe it still a difficult obstacle to overcome. The obstacles we face during our path of life are all things we never expected. There is no such thing as preparing for the following issue or conflict because just like all humans are different so are problems. It always finds a straightedge to stab us with and make us come to our last resort of power and energy. The power that no other form of life has other than us humans is that we have the ability to make decisions and back then I decided to give up rather than pushing ahead.  

“Walk tall and gaze forthrightly ahead. Dare to be dangerous. Encourage the serotonin to flow plentifully through the neural pathways desperate for its calming influence.” 

― Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos

  “I believe life is constantly testing us for our level of commitment, and life’s greatest rewards are reserved for those who demonstrate a never-ending commitment to act until they achieve. As simplistic as this may sound, it is still the common denominator separating those who live their dreams from those who live in regret.” 

― Anthony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within

I’m no life guru. I don’t have all the answers, but if it saves at least one person from melting down and helping them get back to their feet I’ll be content. All these past experiences have led up to who I am today and it made me open my eyes so much more. I understand why things work this way and why you shouldn’t live life this way.

In the end, the upside that I take from this unique experience is that although I missed a lot of school and valuable information causing a delay in my graduation, I’m prepared to take anything on in the future. Sure some obstacles might be more difficult to deal with than others but I know that I can get through with the right mindset. 

If you don’t like how something has turned out do everything in your ability to make it the way you want it to be.